Parenting is Scary

 

Is there anything scarier? Are we ever as unsure of ourselves as we are with our children? Or is it just me?

I think she’s going to think that the laptop is part of her Daddy.

Two more photos:

 

Today I went for a walk with her. It was the only time all day she slept, and then it was very lightly. Fiona has been eating All. Day. Long. Non-stop. To say I am exhausted would be an understatement. Also, I think I’m starting to get the post partum hair shed where all the hair that didn’t fall out when I was pregnant is starting to fall out now.

My only photo of the day.  Definitely getting the Frankenstein/Alien Nation head:

There is Always Someone Who Has It Worse

 

Every time I start feeling sorry for myself, I meet someone who has it worse than I do.

I am a member of two different online message boards for preemie moms and there are so many stories more horrifying than mine, outcomes that make me want to cry and make Fiona’s story look almost natural. I’m lucky she never needed surgery, never had a ventilator hood, didn’t get sick, didn’t need to come home with equipment. I had to wait days, not weeks to hold her, and she was never transferred to a hospital far away. Her life was never in jeopardy and we never had those “Will she make it?” moments.

Her reflux seems to be getting a little worse at times, but better at others. She’s not projectile vomiting but she sounds like an asthmatic after she throws up. It’s scary. She makes noise all night long, sounds like she’s choking, but she never does. There are moms on one of my boards whose children had projectile vomiting many times a day for years. They wound up having to be tube fed because they stopped eating. I hope we never get to that point. So far, it hasn’t affected her appetite at all. We are very lucky.

I go to a breastfeeding support class and there are women who have low supply and even though their babies were full term, they have more difficulty breastfeeding than I do. Their babies are losing weight and mine is gaining (8 pounds 4 ounces today). So even though I curse prematurity and feel sorry for myself while struggling to breastfeed, there are still women who have a harder time than me.

I was asked by the woman who runs the support class to come speak to her pre-natal breastfeeding class. I went last night. There was only one couple and a doula. I told them my story, told them the struggle to ween from bottles. Talked about pumping and nursing and how the husband can be supportive and some things to expect that seem to happen to all breastfeeding moms, not just preemie moms (like sitting on the couch for hours at a time because baby eats constantly). It’s funny how well rested they looked.

I miss sleep.

I’ll end with a series of photos I took before we went to the pre-natal class last night. Fiona was sleeping on my mom and she did not want to let her go:

The First Day of School

 

Is tomorrow. It feels so weird not to be at school at all. I haven’t gone to any meetings, trainings, district rah-rahs, not setting up my classroom, no books, nothing. It just feels weird.

I am glad and thankful that I am lucky enough to be able to take the year off. Even if Fiona was born full term I would not be going back tomorrow because she would only be at most 4 weeks old. I can’t even imagine functioning on the paltry amount of sleep I’m getting. People who have desk jobs have no idea how much energy teaching demands, never mind just the standing up for hours.

Still, I feel a little guilty, like I’m ditching, and like I’m missing out.

I think I have to start doing something with myself and leaving the house occasionally so I don’t go crazy.

Nothing New Here

Nothing much to report today. Fiona had a pretty good night last night – she woke twice to eat but went back to sleep immediately. We ran errands with her and she slept the whole time. It’s weird to be dressed and have my teeth brushed by nine in the morning. She’s been pretty easy all day, not too fussy and not too pukey. She’s so much more alert when she is awake. It’s neat and I’m excited for her to start smiling and laughing sometime in the next couple of months.

I forgot to mention – Happy Birthday to my cousin David on Friday, my dad and my friend Shelley on Saturday, and Happy Anniversary to my parents on Saturday. They went to Spinnaker Seafood for dinner and reported that the food was excellent but the service was just ok.

I’ll end with two photos that John took, one of her feet and one in her car seat. Even though she seems so big to me, she can still use a burp cloth (really a cloth diaper) as a blanket.

Not Baby Related

A long time ago I became a BzzAgent. BzzAgents get free stuff, then tell their friends about it. All bzzcampaignes are word of mouth. I learned about it after my friend Jen told me how much she liked Nutella. I already knew that Jen liked Nutella. She told me she got it for free but had to talk about it online. I thought, “I want to get free stuff! I can talk about it online!” So there you have it.

So now I’ve received some free stuff I want to talk about. This is my honest opinion, I’m not being paid. I just have to use the product and review it. Here is my review:

I’ve been using Sebastian Volupt Shampoo and Conditioner for a week and a half. My hair is curly and dry and usually pretty frizzy and I only wash it twice a week. I love Sebastian products and wish someone had to me about Potion 9 when I was a teenager. The shampoo and conditioner are no exception. They smell nice, sort of the like the old Helene Curtis Salon Selectives, if anyone remembers that product line. The shampoo gets my hair really squeeky clean feeling. The conditioner is pretty light, so if you feel like your hair is oilier, you’d probably still like it. My hair felt nice the following day – soft but not oily, light but not dry.

The first time I used it my hair felt really good, soft but not dry, and not greasy. I also received Volupt Spray, which is a spray gel. I used it but was not impressed. It says you put it on wet hair and either blow dry or air dry. I don’t have time to blow dry my hair so I put it on and let it air dry. It made my hair stiff like the old Aqua Net hair spray and the next day my hair felt really residue-y.

I also received a box of Nioxin System 2 hair stuff. I was not sure what it was exactly until John pointed out that it was for thinning hair. Well my hair is not thinning, so I never used it. BUT! If anyone wants it, let me know, I’ll send it your way. I think it’s pretty expensive stuff. You can tell me what you think and I’ll write about to satisfy the terms of being a BzzAgent.

OK, I've talked about it online.

Hey Hey Paula!

My friend Paula and her mom Lynn came to visit us yesterday. They gave Fiona the cutest outfits and I can’t wait to put them on her.

Here is a picture of Paula holding Fiona:

Lynn also held Fiona. She just slept and slept, eventually waking to eat. They are both really good at holding babies and I can tell Fiona likes Paula – she marked her by throwing up on her. Of course.

Yard Sale Day

Today we had a yard sale for my parents. We sold art, knick-knacks, a dresser, two beds, a dining room set, an entertainment unit, dishes, old LP records, and lots of other stuff. My parents needed to get this stuff out of their garage so we sold it all very cheaply. They made about $400, enough to offset the cost of a new dining room set. I can’t wait to go shopping for one with my mom.

During the sale I carried her around in the Moby and noticed how much bigger she is now. In the hold we use, her head used to be covered by fabric. Now it sticks out.

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about how Fiona’s preematurity has affected my parenting. For example, before she was born, I had no intention of letting her sleep in bed with me until she was old enough to get into bed herself. Now, I love mornings when we snooze together side by side. I let her sleep on me and on John all the time. She spends more time sleeping on us or her grandmother than she does in her own bed. I want her close all the time.I know she’s not fragile because if there is anything I learned in the NICU it’s just how strong and resilient she is. If she’s not near me, I have to check on her every few minutes. I worry that she is in pain every time she cries.

Maybe these are normal parent things and I just don’t know it.

On more a positive note Fiona is making developmental progress:

• She now responds to sudden loud noises such as slamming doors or loudly clinking dishes.
• She is noticing our faces. She’ll look right at our faces and explore them. Every time I look at her, she’s looking back at me, rather than at some far off point behind me.
• She “holds” her binky with her hands. One or both will go to the mouth and hold it in place when we give it to her.

• Today, she sucked her thumb.

 

More goofy sleeping photos and her pudgy little feet:

 

My Little Remora

 

We dropped one more of Fiona’s bottles yesterday, so she’s now getting only two bottles a day; one in the morning and one before bedtime. At the same time, Fiona has been having growth spurt. As a result, she’s been eating constantly. Every time I look down, there’s a baby on my boob. She’s like a remora. 

I know she’s had a growth spurt because she was eating constantly and being fussy for no reason, then sleeping for a long time. And also, a few days ago we started using a  Swaddle Sleepsack and it fit just fine. Last night as I was feeding Fiona, I noticed that it was too short (!!!!). She’s gotten longer in just a few days.

She’s also gotten heavier. According to our home scale she weighs eight pounds. I call her my  Eight Pounds of Pudding Pie!!! That’s a lot of pudding pie.

I went through her clothes today and took out her newborn onesies that are now on the tight side and also two sleepers that are too short. It’s hard to believe that she has any clothes that are too small for her. All along everything has been too big. I can’t believe my little girl is growing up (and out).

Here are some photos of her from today. One fun thing about having a girl is getting to put her in all sorts of cute clothes.

Restoration Hardware Shirt and Babies R Us pants with a butt ruffle:

 

Her little belly button is distended. Her doctor assures us it will heal itself and eventually become an innie.

In a new 0-3 onesie with Babies R Us pants with a butt ruffle:

Note the matching mittens, to keep her from terrorizing her face.

In the pictures with me, please excuse the horrible hair. As the picture was being taken, she threw up on me:

Costume change (for me):

Sleeping on John. AGAIN!                      Her little hand:

Why I Like Holding Her

 

Today I was thinking about why I like holding Fiona when she sleeps. It’s because then I know she’s ok. She’s breathing, she’s not too hot or too cold, she’s not hungry or in pain. She’s ok, and sometimes looks really contented. Sometimes I’m still afraid something will go wrong and we will find ourselves back in the NICU.

Speaking of NICU, it must be NICU Nurse Week. Today I saw another of Fiona’s nurses, Sandy. It turns out she used to live on my street, two houses away. She’s good friends with one of my neighbors. I ran into her on my neighbor’s front porch. She was waiting for the neighbor to come out because they were going somewhere together. I had a piece of mail that was put into my mailbox by accident. Ventura is truly a small town.

We’ve Been Blogged!

http://www.maryjaneblog.com/

She Said “Aye Aye”

 

Fiona makes all sorts of vocalizations. Last night she said, “Aye aye.” It was very funny. I know we are about a year and a half away from her actually saying any words, but it’s still fun to pretend.

Another way I can tell she’s grown is the length of some of her clothes. This one piece used to be a little long on her. In fact, it was huge when she came home from the hospital. Now it’s a little short:

If I pull it down, it goes to about mid-calf.

Here she is chillin’ on the Boppy and scratching her head, contemplating life:

She’s thinking, “Hmm, to poop or not to poop…that is the question”

Here she is shortly after she in fact pooped on John’s pillow.

“I have NO IDEA who made that mess. It was WHO? It was ME?!? You don’t say!”

Lying on her little floor mat. She’s too young to play with anything on it, but we figured it was made for floor time, so we may as well use it. Of course she had to mark it as her territory by immediately puking on it.

Oh, will the laundry never end?!?

She spent some time on her tummy here too.

Here she is sleeping on John again.

 

I know I said I wouldn’t post any more “Fiona sleeping on John” pictures, but it’s one of the few chances I get to take pictures of her. She’s been eating every hour today, and was up three times last night, once just for holding and twice for eating. Then I held her longer because I didn’t want to put her down. I dreamed she was dreaming of motorcycles.

Her feet:

Two videos, one of her lying in bed, using her Moro Reflex (trying not to fall) and one of her screaming (it’s only two seconds long):

 

 

On another note, congratulations to my friend Nadia who had her baby yesterday at noon. Solana G. weighed 8 pounds 11 ounces and was 21 and 3/4 inches long. So at birth, she is already an inch longer and a pound heavier than Fiona, who should be about three weeks older than Solana.

A Visit With Friends and Another Outing

 

Fiona seems a little happier on the Prevacid. Less crying while eating, less back arching, and when she is coughing up her hairballs at night, she’s not waking up as much as well.

Today we had a visit from John’s friends Jon and Cam. I don’t have a photo of Cam, but here is Jon holding Fiona.

It’s funny, because I always find it annoying when people shove their babies in my arms without asking me if I want to hold them (usually I don’t). John did just this to Jon. He wasn’t in our house for more than five minutes when John handed Fiona to him. She of course had to search for a boob, but there as Jon put it, the well was dry.

After she ate, we piled into the Subi for a trip to the pier.

We ate tacos at Beach House Tacos, a new place that just opened on the pier. The tacos were yummy and the guacamole was good too. It turned out there was egg in the sauce on Jon’s taco, and because he is allergic, he could not eat it. They replaced it for free.

While there, we ran into Jessica, one of Fiona’s NICU nurses. She hasn’t seen Fiona in over a month and Fi now weighs two pounds more than she did when she was discharged. Jessica is the nurse that helped us give Fiona a bath the first time we bathed her in the NICU. She also recommended to us the bathtub that we have at home.

We saw some folks running around in tutus.

They were on a group run for fun and were chasing some guy who was wearing a blue tutu. It was a little odd, but not surprising.

Still later, we walked to the end of the pier, discussed how it was cold and windy, then returned home because it was time for Fiona to eat again. John, Jon, and Cam went to BJ’s for beer and male bonding time while I stayed home with my mom. We gave Fi a bath and she spent the rest of the evening eating.

Here is a photo of her in a onesie created by my friend Katie’s fiance Evan. It says “Dream” on it and has a moon and stars. The photo is crappy, but the onesie is not. Fi’s diaper was also crappy.

A Night Walk

 

It’s been rather hot here lately. And when I say hot, I mean in the mid to upper 70’s. Yes, we are spoiled here. John and I have taken Fiona out at night a couple of times. We bundle her up and put her in the stroller without the car seat. There are all sorts of people out and about at night in our neighborhood. People hanging out in their garages, people walking their dogs, and tonight, kids playing flashlight tag. We thought they were looking for a dog, but they were chasing each other. A dad was standing in the street supervising. It was really cute.

Here is a picture of Fi all bundled in her stroller:

Oh! And she weighs over 7.5 pounds now and I’m sure she’s grown even longer. She really looks like a regular baby now.

My Baby is Like an Old Lady

 

Our little Fi-nut’s reflux has gotten worse, so we are now medicating her. She is taking Prevacid. Hopefully it will help her. It is not fun to watch your baby writhe in pain during or after eating, or to listen to them cough and choke through the night.

And for those who have children who spit up a lot, that is not the symptom that is used to determine whether or not they have reflux. Neither is being covered in vomit multiple times a day or having to do laundry daily because you’ve used up all of your burp cloths.

Here is a picture of her looking perplexed:

And here she is in a little outfit with pants (thanks Nicole!). I LOVE it when she wears pants!

I haven’t posted in a few days because we just dropped one of her bottle feeds. On the first day without an early evening bottle she ate for about 3 hours straight. The second night was better, and now it seems like we are back to a more regular schedule of every 1-2 hours.

However, due to her reflux, we have to hold her upright for 20-30 minutes after she eats. Factor in her inefficiency at eating at the breast, and you have a mommy who spends all evening feeding her baby. More feeding = less time to do anything else, including taking pictures or writing blog posts.

I can’t wait for her to get better at breastfeeding and for her reflux to go away ( the first will happen a long time before the second).

How I Can Tell She’s Grown

 

I don’t need the doctor to tell me she’s longer. The picture on the left was taken the day we brought her home from the hospital. The picture on the right was taken within the last week. Notice the proximity of Fi’s head to the Itzy Ritzy tag. Also, she’s crying because her pacifier fell out. That didn’t start until she came home.

 

The Not So Rosy Stuff (Long, lots of words, only two pictures)

 

John told me that my blog posts are really cheery and that I am not mentioning any of the negatives we are experiencing. The truth is that I do feel cheery even though it is not always easy here. Fiona is my little bundle of joy, more than I ever expected. So this post is all about the not so great stuff.

First, I think I’m training Fiona to only sleep on John or me. Because of her reflux she makes all sorts of noise at night, so I take her out of the room so John can sleep. She has to be held upright, so I hold her in the chair in her room. As soon as I put her down, the noises start again. She sounds like she’s choking or clearing her throat most of the time, sort of like a smoker, but other times she grunts and snores like a trucker. The result is that she spends at least two hours per night sleeping on me and I don’t get to sleep at all, even though she is not actually waking up too much or eating.

In the evenings, she sleeps on John, as is evidenced by all the photos in previous entries. When my mom is here, I hand her Fiona so I can pump, and then she sleeps on her. Everyone likes having Fiona sleep on them and she liked sleeping on people, but it’s not helping her get used to sleeping in her own bed.

Second, lately she’s become the Puke Princess. She was doing well for a while, and also sleeping more soundly, but the last two days have seen us go through too many burp cloths to count. And it doesn’t happen just after she eats; sometimes it’s an hour or two later with no warning. She’s not bothered by it, in fact doesn’t even seem to notice. If I don’t want to wear vomit all day, I have to change my shirt multiple times a day. I have to change her as well. And it’s not always the runny undigested vomit, sometimes it’s the gross, curd-y, been-there-a-while stuff that doesn’t smell so sweet. And she sometimes smooshes her face and hands in it or licks it off the burp cloth before I can clean it up. Gross!

Even as I type, she is wailing away. She has been extremely cranky today, and my mother is trying to get her to burp or fart because she very gassy.

Third, she’s got a Witching Hour or Hours. Every afternoon, starting at approximately 4:30 or 5pm, she starts to get fussy and stays that way until 9 or 10pm, when she lies on John and falls asleep for two or more hours, making her last bottle of the day really late. He in turn goes to sleep later and is more tired in the morning, and the cycle continues. Also, we can’t sit down to dinner together because someone has to hold her or she wants to eat just then. Once in a while she’ll sleep at the time that we are eating, or sit quietly in the one chair she actually likes, but rarely. Today I fed her while the others ate. Then my mom held her and burped her for 10 minutes, then it was back on the boob. No rest for the wicked!

I was given an article from Kellymom.com about evening fussiness and also read The Happiest Baby on the Block by Harvey Karp (thanks for the rec Alex), so I have some tricks to soothe her quickly and don’t take it personally when she fusses. Basically, she needs to be held constantly at those times and fed frequently. I tried wearing her in the Moby and it worked well, but the evenings have been so warm that I am hesitant to do it too much. It gets pretty hot in there. It doesn’t help that she’s grown almost an inch in two weeks, making her hungrier and fussier. Also, because she’s been particularly vomit-y lately, I don’t want her in there hurling all over herself and me. All this adds up to me (or John) not sitting very much in the evenings.

Fourth, I have not cleaned my house in months. We’ve hired Molly Maids several times to clean (thanks Mommy!) but they are not me, and no one will ever clean it exactly the way I do and to my exacting standards. Those that know me well, know what I mean. I am OCD about cleaning my house. Well, all that has flown out the window. Vacuum, what vacuum? My house in not messy because there are always a few minutes here and there to pick up, but the mop and I have become total strangers. If it wasn’t for our dishwasher, we would be eating directly off the table with our fingers.

Fifth, Fiona screams bloody murder when we change her diaper. I’m not sure what traumatic events happened in the NICU, you’d think she was being tortured instead of relieved of her wet and smelly nappy. That’s lots of fun at two in the morning. And she used to be a really good burper but lately, it’s harder and harder to squeeze one out, and most of the time they are followed by emesis (vomit, anyone sense a theme here?).

Sixth, I resent Little Teal Baby. I resent having to ween her from a bottle as though she is a milk-a-holic. I resent having to worry that I’m going to lose the battle for breastfeeding and have to give my daughter formula, thereby missing out on my last chance to have a somewhat normal, unscarred baby experience. It’s such a pain not being able to be away from home for more than a couple of hours because by the time Fiona finishes eating and I pump, it’s time to do it all over again. And timing everything so that I don’t pump right before she needs to eat is also a pain.

Last, I am constantly worried that she is not getting enough to eat, that there is something wrong with my milk, that she’s going to get sick, that something will be wrong with her, that she’ll scratch herself in the eye and get some infection that will leave her blind or disfigured, that a spider will crawl into her bassinet and bite her, that she will over heat or get cold, that I am spoiling her or not giving her enough love and a million other things.

So things are not always so peachy keen and rosy red. Today was really hard. I haven’t slept since about two thirty in the morning (it’s now 9pm) and Fiona was gassy and cranky ALL day. She didn’t sleep at all during the afternoon. She cried and spit up after every feed and sometime more than that, including a vomiting episode while she was eating. She was whiny and then ate for two hours straight. Finally, after she slowed down and spit up yet again, I gave her a bath. She ate a little more and then fell asleep. At last!

But why complain about all of that? It’s all normal baby stuff. When I consider what we went through to bring her home and all the people out there who either can’t have children or had them and lost them, none of the above things can make any real dent in my optimism about Fiona. I’m so thankful to have her at all and to have her at home that I am not terribly surprised or bothered by any of them (except Little Teal Baby, who I’m cutting out of the will). So that is why my posts always seem so cheery. Besides, who wants to hear me complain about all the sleep I’m not getting or how yucky my clothes smell?

Here is a photo of her “holding” her binkie:

She is so darn cute! Even when she fusses.