What Not to Say

One of the moms on my preemie message board posted this piece from her local NPR station. It’s an interview with a woman who wrote a blog post about what not to say to parents of preemies. The interviewer also spoke with a nurse. The interview can be found here:

http://radioboston.wbur.org/2011/06/21/preemies

I was one of those parents who put up a strong front. I didn’t even start my blog until less than two weeks before Fiona came home from the hospital. By then she was really stable and growing. I didn’t talk about the early days and everything that happened then, the stress and worry, and difficulty of walking down the long post partum hallway, past the well baby nursery, twice a day, every day, while recovering from a c-section.

Lots of people said well-meaning but misguided or inappropriate comments. One of Fiona’s nurses referred to some of the babies as “toaster heads” and more than one person told me that I was lucky to be able to recover from a c-section without having to worry about the baby, and that I should look at Fiona’s stay in the NICU as extra time I get to spend with John. One person told me that this is just an introduction to the unpredictability of parenthood. The most offensive thing anyone said to me happened recently at a baby shower. The person questioned spending money to save the lives of preemies and then to care for them in the hospital.

Here is a link to the blog post and a short list of things not say:

http://commonhealth.wbur.org/2011/06/insensitive-remarks-preemies/

WHAT NOT TO SAY

1. “You’re so lucky that you didn’t have to go through the end of pregnancy!”

2. “At least, with the baby in the NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit), you can get rest at night!”

3. “He’s so small!”

4. “When will she catch up?”

5. “What did you do, that he was born so early?”

6. “Everything happens for a reason.”

7. “Now that you have her home and off all that medical equipment, everything will be fine.”

8. “You’re just being paranoid about his health.”

9. “She needs to be exposed to germs to build up immunity.”

10. “He’s how old? My child is the same age and twice his size.”

 

And the good list:

WHAT TO SAY:

1. Congratulations! (Though this is somewhat controversial: some parents are offended at being congratulated when their babies are very ill. Others are offended because no congratulations are offered.)

2. “Tell me about your baby.”

3. “How can I help?” (Or better yet, offering specific assistance.)

4. “This experience must be very challenging.”

5. “He’s beautiful — he looks like you” (or the other parent.)

6. “I’ve brought you a meal.”

7. “I’m available to talk” — indicating what you’re really offering is to listen.

8. “Can I drive you to and from the hospital?”

9. “Tell me what’s going on with her medically.”

10. “I don’t know what to say, but I am thinking of you and your baby.”

 

Now I need a list of things to say long after the baby is born and a good list of comebacks.

And because no post is complete without a photo of Fiona, here is one my friend Nicole took today: