Five Years

Today, it has been five years since I last saw my brother or heard his voice. I think about him every day and miss him just as much as I did when he first he left us. However, one thing that I have realized is that nothing I do can change what has happened. Nothing is going to bring him back. The feelings I have are not going to go away. The sadness is not going to lessen or fade. It is just there, always, just beneath the surface of everything I do. Today, I don’t feel differently about him or about the situation than I do on any other day. So now, after five years, I’ve come to accept that in the story of my life, there will be a chapter about how I lost my brother, and anyone who reads it will have to deal with it. So, if he can read this...

I miss you Matan! I miss you with all my heart! I really wish you were here because there are things that only you would understand. And also, because you are missing out on Fiona. And she is missing out on you. And when I watch her, I think about how much you two would have loved each other and how much fun you would have had. And I’m sure you would find a way to make her giggle and squeal and smile her huge smile in ways that only you could. And have i mentioned that I miss you and I really really really wish you were here right now?

Here is what I did today: I went to work and none of my students know that I lost you because none of them were around when it happened, or even just after. Because it has been that long. And we reviewed for the state tests next week, and it wasn’t very fun for me, but we got through it. And then I came home, and after Fiona woke up from her nap, Daddy and I took her to berry picking. And we picked blueberries, and she ate a whole bunch right off the bush. The place charges by the pound and I’m glad they didn’t weigh Fiona because I’m sure she ate at least half a pound of berries before we got to the register. We also ate raspberries. They are just starting to ripen and are heavenly tasting. There were too many bees for my liking, so we didn’t pick any, but we did say hello to the animals, and especially the chickens and Diego the alpaca. And Fiona pet a goat, and pretended to drive a truck, and I smelled onions that were divine.

A radish machine:

 

It was so hot and humid, even the alpaca was lying down:

So that’s what I did today. I picked berries and spent the day with Daddy and Fiona. And after we came home, Fiona and I played outside, then went for a walk. We ate leftovers for dinner and now I am procrastinating on doing some homework. If you were here Matan, you could come over after work and eat some of the yummy blueberries we picked. Fiona already ate more of them, but we still have a few left.

I miss you and I will always love you Little Brother.