Another Loss

It is with a sad heart that I tell the internet and anyone who reads this blog that we had another loss. This time, it was the potential for a life. I am pregnant. I should be 11 weeks today, but unfortunately, it was not meant to be. I had a positive pregnancy test at the beginning of October, but a month later an ultrasound showed no heartbeat. We decided that it was still early and I had a second ultrasound ten days later. The second time there was still no heartbeat, but there were two yolk sacs and it looked like maybe my uterus grew a little. I had another ultrasound today, a week after the last, but alas, there was still no heartbeat and no growth. Together with my obstetrician, John and I decided that it is time to let go and declare the pregnancy a miscarriage. We were hoping for a baby in late June or early July, but now we will have to wait a little longer.

I am at peace with the decision and know that it is what needs to be done. Everything happens for a reason and I am sure there is one here, even if I don’t know what it is. I would much rather lose this now than later when i am more invested. We didn’t tell anyone about the pregnancy for fear of early loss (with Fiona, we waited until I was at least three months along to tell people, because risk of loss decreases significantly after 12-13 weeks), and we didn’t want to have to explain to people why there was no baby. It was hard enough with Fiona, when there was a baby, just not at home, I didn’t want to have to keep track of everyone who knew in case they asked later on.

I am only putting this out there to explain what is happening here in our lives. While I am sad and disappointed, I am okay. However, pregnancy is a sensitive subject, so I ask that, if you read this, please do not ask me if and when I am planning to have another child. During the past month, it was the hardest question people asked, and it seemed like EVERYONE was asking me, because I was not sure how to answer, knowing that it was possible that soon I would have another child, but equally likely that it was not going to happen.

To end on a happier note, Fiona is doing great. She is turning into a little artist. Today she drew a mouse and it looked like a mouse. She identified four feet as she was drawing them, drew eyes, a nose, whiskers, and a tail. The mouse is in blue:

After, she tried to draw a black mouse too. She drew everything with her left hand so John is afraid that she is going to be a lefty. In my opinion, being left handed is the only way to be, but he disagrees. Now, if only the nausea would go away. It has been one of the biggest downsides in all this; feeling physically ill while knowing it was probably not going to amount to anything.

Have a great week!